dissenting inner dialogue

2003-12-02 I've somehow convinced myself that if I do things before the last minute, then I won't be producing my best work. I realize that I've convinced myself of this, and yet, there's nothing I can do about it. Case in point: I have an essay due tomorrow over the Kantian philosophy of ethics in dealing with famine. I have not started. I would like to do this on time. I actually put the first homework assignment I ever did up on the refridgerator earlier this year. That's how pathetic this has gotten.

It's not like I have anything better to do in place of my homework/studying. In all actuality, I have absolutely nothing to do other than homework and studying. Seriously. Not one single thing. I can't even watch TV -- I don't get any stations because I don't want to pay for cable. So what do I do? Sleep. Eat. Play on the computer. I think since I quit the fraternity, I've gained like 10-15 pounds from doing absolutely nothing other than play on the computer. It sounds positive because I'm gaining something - fat and early symptoms of carpel tunnel syndrome. It's not a positive.

Anyway, the point is I guess I'm incredibly lazy. I don't really mind. All this griping is just a show. I'm just trying to waste more time before I have to force myself to do anything. That's right, I'm playing mind games with myself now. All I can do is picture the angel and the devil sitting on my shoulder. Right now, the devil is really kicking the angel's butt.