Waterwings (and other poolside fashion faux pas)

2004-04-19 There are times when something completely devestates you. It can be an event, a word, a thought, a feeling, or some combination of all, and it brings you to your knees. There's nothing you can do. Your throat feels like it's trying to swallow itself and a lump swells to the top of it. Your face contorts and stretches, squeezes tight. Your breaths have no pattern, becoming short, spasm-like. It's as if each breath was forced by the lungs because your mind was focused so intently on that person or that place or that time or that thing that hasn't even happened, that you forgot to breathe. the lump in your throat grows larger and larger until your eyes begin to sting with the liquid blurring everything you look at. You try not to cry at first. You fight. Then you can't hold it anymore. You just let go. You remember the times when you were a little kid and you cried, only to have her come tell you it would be ok. Everything would be fine. Just let grandma take care of it. And everything was ok. And now there's nothing you can do. There's nothing she can do to make it better. And the thought crosses your mind that these tears are ridiculous. They do nobody any good, but you pray that somehow it would make things better. You pray that somehow you could take everything she is and everything she means and keep it here forever. And you pray that somehow these tears could get in her blood stream and in her body and fix it. You look back and realize how much you took for granted. You realize that there are no guarantees. Somehow, someway you could force time to reverse, and your surroundings could match the child-like state you've reverted to. But it won't happen. Your mind goes a million miles a minute and you're not worried about sounding poetic or clever or ironic when you try to express to her the way you feel. The road can't pass by fast enough and you race down the highway, just to spend some time with her. Time that you once didn't think about. But when you see her, you can't say anything except "Hi," and let the hair stay in your eyes so no one can see how you feel. And you force a smile, trying to remember every single thing that makes you smile, everything about her that makes you smile, but it just makes the stinging in your eyes burn more.